sometimes just feel like noone.

i shouldnt have push you off when you gave me the last hug the other time. I dont know what I am still holding on to. But I am still holding on. Cause flashes of images just keep coming back. And I am trying to put it aside.

currently I feel so fucked up! I shouted at my mum. I mean alright I shouldn't have but somehow I am just so sick of people throwing things right infront of my face. It makes me feel like I am rubbish. Worthless. I dont know what's gotten into me these days. Its just there. I am feeling so at my lowest. I can literally feel it. Nothing is really funny that I can laugh off my troubles. Even if there is, those troubles will come back soon after.
you have no idea how much self consciousness has gotten into me. I need assurance, I need warmth. I need everything right now that will make me feel better. I need someone who could hug me all day long even though I am getting fatter every single day. tell me its alright when its not. tell me its right when its wrong. I need something big enough to make me feel right again. I need something so desperately right now that is drifting away so far away from me. Somehow I just got to shout it all out. All of a sudden I miss my grandma, long gone since I was primary 2. and now I am still holding on. I want her warmth so badly round my shoulders holding me so tightly. patting my back saying its okay. its okay. I dont need someone to say that I am fat. And someone who will tell me that being fat its no big deal.
I dont know what sort of life I am living. I feel tight up. unable to let my soul just move where ever it wants to go. I need to just cut of this vessels that are tying round it. So who would?.I don't rmb me being this low before. Am I worthless right infront of your eyes. When I am gone, what impact does it make. Will you cry when I am gone. Will you speak to me every night while I am up there in the sky? or will you just carry on and move on?. Maybe I should have been my sister.

My bloody hands are getting worse and worse each day. I play the guitar worser and worser everytime. I just dont know what to do right now. hope my day will turn well enough for me again tmr. I dont need more nagging from anyone right now. I just need happiness if not just silence will do. and nothing else. put me in a grassland if you could.

I feel so... Pathetic...