I realise I couldn't give you much, so I distant myself away from you. And make myself distant.

Chinese oral was partially screwed! I stammered like crazy,. no matter how much I tell myself that I am not scared, my heart was still thumping like crazy when I was infront of the 2. So in the end, oral was partially screwed.

I'm in a self-denial mode these days. always unhappy and unsatisfied with what I have done never been quite proud of myself. Every single day, I feel more crazy than I am. I think that I havent been using the day to the best of my ability. I cant accept failures these days. I feel crazy you know. you get what I mean? Everyone is shining out so brightly. Too brightly that I feel rather hurt that I am ordinary. Many times I feel like I just want to back away give up all this shit. I try to enjoy as much as I can in school. Absorb as muuch as I can in school. To the extend that it actually hurts you know. I am just distancing myself away more and more each time. Its just so difficult to be normal again.

Feel like I am standing alone in this battlefield all alone. fighting against my own conscience. going against everything to make myself normal again. Each and everytime at the midst of breaking through. But pulling back. Because I know once I break down, I will have to start all over again. From today, I know that I will have no rights to motivate anyone anymore. Because I know myself that I cant motivate myself anymore. Cause I feel that I know too much of reality that its keeping me away from being gullible.

It took me so long to just spill every of this shit out on this blog. I think I tried it for about 5 times. But each time I just ended up exiting the page. Only 1 thing that I am praying for right now, Please whoever is up there that makes dreams come true, make me more optimistic once again. release me from the pressure right now. Make me learn to take things more likely. I study for myself not for anyone else. Look at no one but yourself. And just think that what you have done is enough.